I CAN’T wait for this school year to be over.

I’m bored. It’s not that I am doing nothing. In fact, I’m doing a handful of activities. The thing is, I’m so bored with all these stuff. I’m so occupied with all these crap that I no longer have time for things that I’d love to do . Ugh.

I want action. I want adventure. I’m tired with all these routines. I want to go on a trek, or,  to just go somewhere else.

I want to read books and to put all my thoughts on paper but I barely have time for any of these and the chaotic setup at home is never conducive for reading and deep thought. I would have to wait for everyone to doze off before I could do my thing.

For now, I’d just have to tame the raging, adventure-seeking outdoorsman in me and wait until the school year ends before I could do what I believe could satiate the hunger of my spirit.

Photo from http://irregularbloggers.wordpress.com

I am doing a lot of things. I make people happy. I am doing my job well and I have good relationships with my superiors and colleagues. I am helping my family and I never gave my parents and my siblings any trouble at all. I have plenty of friends whom I go out with whenever time allows. I am doing my share of work in the church, fulfilling my duties as a Christian. But one thing is definitely missing.

One time, I talked to my students, just casual conversation. I asked them—since they are about to leave the school in a month’s time—if they have learned something from our course. Everyone was smiling; others were thinking deeply.

One student caught my attention. She took out her notes and started reading statements she quoted from me. Here are a few of what she jotted down in her notebook:

• Life is beautiful. You only have to open your eyes to see the beauty in it.
• If you don’t go out of your comfort zones, you only grow old; you won’t grow up.
• Do not live in mediocrity.

Somehow, I’m glad that they took note of this. At least, they would have something to bring with them as they move on to college. It’s a consolation on my part that, somehow, I have touched other peoples’ lives in some little ways.

After talking to them, I went to comfort room and looked at myself in the mirror. What I saw is a sad young man. My eyes suddenly welled with tears, which I quickly wiped away. I told myself to be strong.

Then I remembered what I have always been trying to tell myself: God knows what is best for me. I did not ask God for a job after college. I did not ask him to bring me here and teach in this school, while I was still enjoying my previous job. But God knows His purpose for me. I just always do my best wherever He leads me.

I could always see God’s hand working in my life. He has always been with me. Whenever I strayed, He always uses people and events to lead me back to right path. The unrest that I have experienced recently is all but God’s work, I know. I could hear Him calling me.

The other night, I had a conversation with our pastor. He asked for my confirmation regarding the request that I teach in the Sunday school for young professionals. I said that I have accepted it and that I am only waiting for the go signal to begin.

I knew what has been missing: I have not been prayerful. I have not been introspective. It was only when my life went topsy-turvy that I started to search my soul again.

I AM not bitter.

(I hope that by the end of this post, I have fully convinced myself. Haha.)

Seriously, I have never been loveless because my heart has always been  filled with love — not for a single person but for the humanity as a whole. Haha.

Whaah! This is such a stupid post.

I didn’t know Erik Erikson’s developmental stages is this serious. Ugh. Intimacy vs Isolation. I hate it.

Here’s my list of tips on How-To-Survive February 14:

• Never listen to Smother Me by The Used.
• Change the tones assigned to people who used to be significant and never reply to their greetings or answer their calls. Text them later that you left your phone somewhere else.
• Change your calendar settings.
• Induce temporary amnesia but be sure you’ll go back to your proper state of mind when it’s time to.
• Keep all sharp/hazardous objects out of sight.
• Do your laundry.
• Tell your older sister to spend the day with his husband somewhere else and volunteer to do the babysitting of your nieces.
• Organize a charity event and spend the whole day with the less fortunate so you’ll forget your own misery. Lol.

Happy valentine’s day to everyone who believes in love and loves.

I’M NOT talking about tenses here nor about girlfriends.

I’ve never had a conversation with an online friend quite a long time. Just this afternoon, we had the chance to chat on Facebook.

Our conversation came to a point that he said he doesn’t have a future anymore. He told me that his parents used to tell him to always think about the future but until now, he said, that future hasn’t come.

Then I told him, “What you are today, was once your future. The future you are thinking of today will soon come. That future will become your present, and eventually, your past.”

He only said, “Ang gulo pala ni future” (Mr. Future is such a chaos).

It made me think further that if we only listened to our elders, whose wisdom had been shaped by experience, the future that we have been dreaming of could have been attained by the time that we expect it to be within our reach.

When you think that you haven’t gotten what you have aspired for is because you failed to do what is required to achieve it. You didn’t do what you gotta do because you didn’t fully believe that such a vision could turn into reality.

Time is the only thing that is constant. Although time is relative (dilated) at speeds approaching the speed of light, it certainly doesn’t go backwards. We cannot return to the past except through walking down memory lane. All we can change is the course of our future, which is shaped by the decisions we make today.

If you believe that your future is bleak, then you’d probably be working towards that bleak future, but if you believe that you’ll go big time in the coming days, I’m sure all you’ll be doing today will help you become what you hoped you would be.

To relieve stress, I drew this simple graphic below before going home this afternoon:

I have a bit of obsession with sun rays these days. In fact, after posting this, I’ll drop by the beach to watch the sun as it meets the western sea.

I am not really superstitious—spiritual, may be—and I believe that God is communicating to us in various ways but definitely not through horoscopes.

Nonetheless, it is right that we always remind ourselves to be watchful. We learn by keenly observing everything that exists or takes place around us. By doing so, we make conscientious judgments and actions, which ultimately leads us to a peaceful and happy life.

We should not let fate shape our future.

As we start the year it is imperative that we set goals and discover ways of attaining these goals. In addition to that, we should also know how to measure our accomplishments so that by the end of the year we would be able to assess our journey and use our findings to improve the way we live the following year.

So let’s being with the goals. Here are my goals for a good start:

Personal development

• Keep updating and improving this blog
• Learn/master a new skill every month
• Maintain proper diet, exercise regulalry, and get enough rest

Professional development

• Continue with graduate studies and earn additional 9 units
• Attend at least 5 trainings and seminars within the year
• Continue developing the physics courseware I’m working on
• Accomplish and submit reports on time

Social development

• Participate in recreational activities/blog events and meetups at most twice a month
• Meet with the church young people every Sunday

Financial/Material development

• Prepare a monthly budget plan and do my best to abide by it
• Save at least Php 500 from my salary (small, eh?) for a project to be accomplished or a material to be acquired at the end of the year

To make this possible, I need a planner to list down reminders and other stuff. I haven’t purchased one yet. Uhm, if you want to do someone a good turn as the year begins, that someone could just be me an dthat good turn could just be giving me a handy planner. *wink*

My conversations with Ken on the phone does not only keep me sane. They also make me realize some of life’s little lessons.

One recent insight I got from him is about beginnings.

Yeah, I am man of beginnings. I am always enthused with starting new things, trying out something new and something different.

Most of the time, I exert all my energy and resources on something I am initiating. Most of the time, my interest wanes halfway through. They call it ningas-cogon in Filipino.

That concept of ningas-cogon has a negative reputation in the Filipino value system. People would say that it is not about how well you do at the start but how you finish it.

Well, that is sound.

But don’t you think it’s better to make a good start and influence other people to take part in the consummation of what you wish to get done? You start the fire and let it spread out.

Make a number of good beginnings. If you start it real good, you can ease your way out to the finish line. Usually, if something is really supposed to last, it eventually will. But press on if you must.

The reasons?

• Special tasks. I have been my principal’s favorite when it comes to preparation of urgent reports. Though it’s an addition to my learning experience, it eats up a great portion of my time.
• Uzzap meetups. In my search for happiness, I wanted to see the world at a different perspective. I met with a group lonely individuals who take life ever so lightly. I tried to fit in and decided to be carefree for a while. I fed my urge to procrastinate and a lot of work started to pile up. Now, I’m trying to cope.
• Artistic Attempts. Hahaha. I’ve had lots of extra-income this month. I’ve been busy designing shirts. My brother-in-law are partners in this business. He’d ask me to layout t-shirt designs and I help him print them for some commission. I was also invited to talk on desktop publishing using Adobe InDesign at NDMU. It was my first time but I’m glad I was able to pull off a decent presentation.

So what am I gonna do now?

• I will practice saying NO to special urgent tasks if I really can’t do them.
• I will no longer attend Uzzap meetups. In fact, I’ve deleted my buddies. They can’t send me invites anymore. *Evil grin*
• I will start preparing all the paperwork.
• I will not enroll in the graduate school this semester. Although my schooling did not get in the way of my work, I am foreseeing that this second semester, it will, especially when March comes. I have an advisory class for the first time. I’m sure, there would be lots of requirements in March so I’d better take off one aspect that would require my time and energy, and that is graduate school.

That’s all for now. I’m glad that my mind is clear again. Thanks for all the vegetables I’ve been eating in the last three weeks. By the way, I’m turning vegan gradually.

Back in my grade school days, I have always felt that I’m the underdog. I did well in school but nobody seemed to be happy for me. Some people appreciated my abilities but nobody appreciated who I am. I felt unloved, even unwanted.

I am not blaming my parents, though, because I know that raising fourteen children is a heavy load. I have seen their efforts to provide us with what we needed, except for adequate attention and affection. I did not demand that from them; I tried to look for it from other people. And I failed.

Rejection. I loathe that word. I spent most of the past 22 years alone. I tried to understand the world on my own, answered my own questions, fought my own battles, rejoiced in my own victories, and comforted myself in times of sorrow.

Some people came to pick me up. Some people made me happy for a while and then left. Some others just came to inflict more pain.

I thought that because I encourage other people, I have enough courage within me. I thought that because I help them make decisions, I have a clear mind. I thought that because I make people happy, I am happy myself.

I thought I am strong. I thought I’m invincible. But, look, why am I dying?

WHEN YOU are in a situation that is as boring as  mine right now, you would always desire for an extra-exciting life. For how can your life have a bit of excitement if you work from Mondays to Saturdays and you go to school on Sundays?

What I need is break from my routine and start doing something different. A business of my own, maybe?

Here’s what I found on the web. It’s something from Pablo Picasso. Yeah, the painter. I’ve known just now that there’s more to him than being a magnificent artists that is known the world over. He also gave the world seven tips for creating an exciting life. And here they are:

1. You have to believe to be able to do.

This must be where Pharmaton derived its famous tagline from. Lols.

Now this is telling me to keep believing that I could start my own business this year and I can do it.

I also tried believing I could start it last year, but it didn’t happen. Well, probably, believing is only the beginning.

2. Push your limits.

Before I could push my limits, I have to know my limitations first.

As regards my business plan, my resources such as financial and material capital, and  manpower, are limited.

Now how do I push it? Explore ideas to expand my current resources? Outsource or cash advance loan, perhaps? Lol.

3. Don’t wait for inspiration or the right moment.

A lot of people, not excluding, wait for the right timing. But Picasso doesn’t believe that there is perfect timing.

Well, for a business venture, timing is important. However, if it is this timing that hinders you from starting one, there might a problem with your business plan. It must be time to change plans.

4. Act.

This is probably what I lacked last year. I didn’t have enough courage to start getting the ball rolling.

What good is plan if it stays on paper? I gotta start implementing it.

5. Ask the right questions.

Maybe, I could rephrase this one to “Focus on the important things.” When you are busy, spending time on the non-essentials is the least thing you should do.

As for my business plan, I should learn the necessary skills for the business above all else.

6. See the hidden beauty by not judging.

Sometimes, we tend to get discouraged by initial outcomes. But for teachers like me, we initial assessment results serve as our guide for improving our strategies.

We have tested the market last year we found out that it’s difficult to penetrate. But it also gave us some insights to have an edge over comeptitors in the field.

7. It’s not too late.

Deinitely, it’s not too late. Haha.

Image above courtesy of savagechikens.com.